Leaving never makes sense. When the final moment comes when you have to leave, its merely a compulsion. It always is for me. Making rational decisions come fairly easy to me and i dont for a moment think to think of "what if things were not this way". Its all planned out in my head. Plans don work, i realise, but am good at making newer plans as the old ones die.

I hugged my mom for the last time. Yes, for reasons unknown, moms are moms and i'm leaving mine behind. Mom is scared. Mom is alone. Mom is Mom or Meee, as is the degree of excitement.

Its not the other world- its jus the other side of the planet, and it is far, further than I'd like to be. It brings back failed plans of the past- ie to make it big here, and more of those taunting moments of indecision and complete failure. I refuse to leave this country. Its me. I cant be the scented by-the-book american. I like not taking a bath on sundays and asking for extra helpings of pani and dusty woody libraries. But most things don last forever, esp if you are not yet the high achiever you'd like to be, and ur time is ticking. I am as mediocre as a personality can be, right now, but I hope to feel the change soon enough.

Things are much much better now..in a lot of ways i hope the lucky run does not die of a heart attack..i'd rather be prepared for slow death.